10 Guidelines for Biblical Communication - 6

A SIXTH guideline for biblical communication:


"Keep pursuing reconciliation with your brother or sister, no matter how far you have to go in the process: Matthew 18:15-20. Problems don't "die" or fade away. They must be tackled and solved. And...by the grace of God, they CAN be!"


No one has ever said (with a reasonable amount of sanity) that this process is pleasant or easy. However, the fruit it yields is very sweet...my brother or sister's unhindered fellowship.


I have too often gone ONCE to an offended or offending brother and then reasoned, "I've done my job. It they choose not to respond, it's THEIR problem now. That's it. The ball is in their court." What that attitude revealed, however, was that I did not really LOVE my brother. I was only concerned with "checking off the box" of my duty, not with reconciliation.

It may be necessary to go to our brother or contact our brother a number of different times in a number of different ways before we go to the next step in pursuing reconciliation. We should go in private as long as it seems our brother is open and there is further need for communication and clarification BEFORE we ask another couple of brothers to go with us. Once it is reasonably clear that our brother does not intend on submitting to God and His Word, we should proceed to apply more pressure on his heart by bringing other caring brothers with us. This all assumes, of course, that our brother will meet with us. He may flatly refuse to meet with us or speak with us. If that is the case, other means of communication may be tried.

The very fact that Jesus tells us to go to the next step, if necessary, shows His seriousness about pursuing reconciliation with our brother. Even if you have to eventually treat him as a pagan, we are to do it in pursuit of his repentance and return to Christ and His body.

In all of this, heart-felt, crying-to-God PRAYER is to offered on behalf of our brother. A great passage of Scripture to use to guide us as we go and as we pray is 2 Timothy 2:24-26.

May God give us such love that we move into conflict as often as it takes for our brother's sake so that he may be released from the snare of the devil to once again serve the Lord from the heart.

10 Guidelines for Biblical Communication - 5

A FIFTH guideline for Biblical communication:

"If you hear of a conflict between two believers, don't react emotionally or take sides. Rather, remember that there are always TWO sides to each situation. Pray for reconciliation between your brothers and peace and unity within the church." See Proverbs 18:17 and Colossians 3:15.

There ARE always TWO sides to every conflict. Not only do we seldom know or hear both, but even if we do, we hear PART of the stories. It is very difficult not to take sides if one side is our spouse or child or close friend. In those cases, we already have an emotional investment in one side.

WISDOM is knowing that there are two sides and that we are likely to believe and feel for the FIRST to present his/her case to us. We need to KNOW this, even if the first is close to us and even if their case seems so clear and "case closed." HOW OFTEN I have heard the first side's convincing case and then heard the other side only to be even MORE affected and convinced. The truth is each side is likely to see things only as it has affected them. We tend to share through the grid of our own interests.

It will be loving and helpful to us in our own conflicts and to others in theirs to ask certain questions that will help us to consider "the rest of the story":

• Do I want the real truth to be known in this conflict?
• Am I willing to see that I was in the wrong?
• Have I realized that there IS more than one way to view what has happened?
• Am I concerned for my brother or sister's best interest, or only mine?
• Am I willing to be questioned by a third party to help bring reconciliation?
• Am I still reacting emotionally, or have I "cooled down" enough to think clearly?
• Have I been praying for God's will to be done and for Him to receive glory through this?
• Have I been searching the Scriptures so that they can shine their light on my heart's motives and my actions and speech and act as judge?
• Have I asked for help from someone who will love both sides and consider the case for both sides?
• Have I realized that much more is at stake in my conflict than that I be proven right? There is another brother's life. There is the health of the body of Christ. There is God's reputation.

If we are not one of the parties involved in a conflict between believers, God has called us to PRAY for true and lasting reconciliation between them. If we are brought into a conflict, God has called us to CONSIDER both sides as we help bring a solution. A few humbly and well-placed questions can help a brother come to his senses and realize the bigger picture.

May we be peace makers in our conflicts and as we are sovereignly brought into the conflicts of others.

10 Guidelines for Biblical Communication - 4

A FOURTH Biblical Guideline for Communication:

"If you find that YOU HAVE OFFENDED your brother or sister, go to them in privacy, humbly seeking to be reconciled."

Matthew 5:23-24: "So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."

This guideline differs from #3 in that HERE the one who goes is the ONE WHO OFFENDED. That is, if I am aware or become aware that I have offended my brother, I must go to them and NOT WAIT FOR THEM TO COME TO ME. I have often had this line of thinking..."Well, they are acting towards me like something is wrong. I wonder if I did something? Well, if I did, they'll come to me and then I will know for sure and make it right. I don't want to create an issue if there is not one!"

God is SO concerned with right, reconciled relationships between His children that whether we OFFENDED or WERE OFFENDED, HE COMMANDS us to go to our brother. Ideally, if there has been an offense and both parties realize it, they will MEET SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE coming to see each other to make things right! The point is, we are to be so concerned with maintaining relationships of peace and love with one another that we'll do WHATEVER IS NECESSARY to make and keep them right.

Often the offended party will not come. Perhaps they are afraid (maybe we are not very approachable!). Perhaps they think the matter too trivial (even though they can't COVER it with love). Perhaps they want to enjoy being angry (risking the heart cancer of bitterness). Or, perhaps they are overwhelmed with life and just haven't had the opportunity. WHATEVER the reason, if we are aware or are made aware of our offense, we are to love our brother enough to DROP ALL ELSE and go to them.

In the Matthew passage above, the one in the ACT OF WORSHIP is to drop the worship and go to be reconciled to his brother first. WHY? Because, as the old saying goes,

"Walls UP, Roof ON,
Walls DOWN, Roof GONE."

That is, if something is between my brother and me (Walls UP) then there WILL be something between God and me (Roof ON). But if I work to be reconciled (Walls DOWN), then the barrier between the Father and me will be gone (Roof GONE).

My relationship with my brother has a DIRECT affect on my relationship with God. Wow.

I remember one time many years ago (I am now old enough to have "many years ago" in my life!), a friend who professed to be a believer came to our church one evening (I was a relatively new believer) to do some special music for worship. He came that night and sang with a young, pretty gal. I had a very difficult time listening to anything that was being sung or said by my friend. What I knew from being his next door neighbor was that he was separated from his wife and had a lot of unrepentant guilt in that separation. How was God going to use him when he was grieving the Spirit in his relationship with his wife? Walls UP, Roof ON.

Is there anyone that comes to mind that perhaps you have offended? If there a relationship with a brother or sister that cooled for some unknown reason? Is there someone you need to stop your worship and go to?

When you go:

• Go HUMBLY. Not, "What's your problem?" Not, "Why didn't you come to me with this?" But, "Is there something I have said or done that has offended you?"
• NEVER think or say, "I didn't do it on purpose!" If our brother or sister is hurt, they are hurt. My girls have said that after they inadvertently smacked their sister. "I didn't mean it!" I asked them, "Did you hurt them?" YES. "Did the fact that you didn't mean to make it hurt less?" NO. "You need to ask them to forgive you for hurting them."
• When you realize what you have done...how you have hurt or offended your brother...ASK FORGIVENESS in specific words. "I hurt you when I made that comment about you. It was wrong of me. Would you please forgive me?"
• When they have forgiven you (IT IS their responsibility to do so, when asked - Luke 17:3), thank them for doing so. It may also be helpful to ask how you could have spoken or acted differently or how you could avoid a similar offense the next time.
• Go and finish your worship! Rejoice in a ROOF DOWN relationship with the Father.

10 Basic Guidelines for Biblical Communication - 3

A THIRD biblical guideline for Communication:

"If your brother or sister offends you (sins against you), go to them in privacy and share with them the offense, seeking in your communication NOT to win or be proven right, but to be RECONCILED to your brother." Matthew 18:15-20

Sinning and being sinned against is a fact of life on this side of heaven. Praise God for His continuing forgiveness and cleansing in Christ (1 John 1:9)! Often when we sin someone else is affected directly. We have all been the offended and harmed by another's sin. The "hit" may come from an enemy of the gospel or it may come from the deepest love in our life. Though being sinned against is painful and can easily turn us inward, licking our wounds and feeling sorry for ourselves and even plotting revenge or desiring a return of pain on their head, Jesus taught that we are rather to TURN TOWARDS OUR OFFENDING BROTHER OR SISTER, not to return evil for evil, but to SEEK THEIR WELFARE and the MENDING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.

How easy to respond wrongly in fear and cowardice and hate to the offense of another. How easy to refuse to go to our offending brother because the pain of the offense is ruling our choices. What is at stake when one Christian sins against another is the very unity and health and testimony of the Church, the Body of Christ. What is at stake is the SOUL CONDITION of my brother...and MY SOUL. Who can guess the vast number of festering wounds that exist in the hearts of so many members of the Church worldwide.

LOVE will head towards the one who has sinned against me. LOVE will choose, with agreeing emotions or not, to act and SPEAK for the good of my offender. LOVE will say to our heart, "This is my sister in Christ, I will forgive her as God in Christ has forgiven me." And so LOVE will GO TO my brother who has sinned against me and COMMUNICATE for RECONCILIATION. Such communication will include:

• Asking yourself: "Is this a REAL offense? Is it something that was merely an unintentional omission? Am I being too sensitive?" If you can cover it over with love, do it. If the offense is clear and you can't overlook it, then GO to your brother.
• Speaking in privacy. We will not broadcast our hurt to publicize our brother's sin and thus harm his reputation.
• It will STEER CLEAR of camping on "how much pain I have been suffering" (I want you to feel bad for how bad you have made ME feel!). Though there is a place for that admission, the focus of our conversation should first of all be to SHOW OUR BROTHER WHAT HIS OFFENSE IS. "When you said that I felt that it belittled me in front of our friends." We need to make sure there is a REAL offense and not one we are conjuring in our imagination. NEVER accuse someone of a sinful ATTITUDE. We do not know other's hearts. We DO KNOW what we hear and see from their words and actions.
• We must REFUSE to argue our case until we are proven right, but rather state it as clearly and simply as possible.
• We should PRAY that God will give us wise and "hear-able" words and give our brother ears to hear and receive what we say and a repentant heart as needed.
• We should communicate our desire for our relationship to be healed and reconciled and for our sister to be reconciled to Christ.
• We should think long and hard about OUR PART in what happened. Did we INVITE or PROVOKE the offense? Did we REACT in an OFFENDING way to what was done or said? It may be that our repentance FIRST will open a wide door for our brother responding in like kind.
• We should be ready to lovingly PERSIST in seeking reconciliation with our offending brother. Going to them ONCE may not be enough. Perhaps there is the need to go a second or third time, as long as our brother is still open to discuss the issue.
• If and when our sister realizes her sin, confesses and asks our forgiveness, we are to GRANT IT IMMEDIATELY and FULLY, as it has been granted us by God (Ephesians 4:32).
• DON'T WAIT TOO LONG to go to your offending brother. The offense won't just go away and your relationship CANNOT be healed without dealing directly with the offense.

Oh, may our reconciling God increase our love for one another so that NO OFFENSE will remain unaddressed, unconfessed, and unforgiven and no relationship in the Body will remain unreconciled.

10 Basic Guidelines for Biblical Communication - 2

A SECOND Guideline for Biblical Communication: "Say only what builds others up."

Ephesians 4:29 says, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."

This verse is SO clear, isn't it? HOW MUCH corrupting talk can come out of my mouth and my speech still please the Lord? NONE! Ouch! "Corrupting" is a word that was used to describe rotten fish or fruit. Can my words actually have the effect of causing ROT or CORRUPTION in another person's life? Yes. For example: if I slander someone to the person I am speaking with, I can easily cause heart-rot in them if they choose to listen to what I am saying and allow it to affect their attitude towards the slandered person. This happens all too commonly in the church. I have been guilty of this too many times, from both sides. Or, if I repeat a joke that is "off-color" I can cause corruption of heart in my friend by causing past wickedness to pop up in their thoughts. Complaining, gossip, angry words, lying, etc. can cause the same rot in those around me.

A great antidote to words that corrupt is to focus on speaking ONLY words that do the opposite: BUILD UP. Words that are good for building up are words that help my brother or sister GROW IN CHRIST. They are words that cause them to think on the GREATNESS of CHRIST. They are words that hold out the TRUTH of SCRIPTURE. They are words that remind others that GOD IS FAITHFUL. They are words that honor and commend and are thankful. They are words, as the verse says, that "fit the occasion."

It will pretty much always be true that corrupting words flow out of SELFISH motives. But BUILDING UP words flow out of OTHER-CENTERED motivation. To speak words that build up necessitates speaking words that fit the situation my brother or sister OR LOST neighbor is facing. To know what fits the occasion requires that I care enough about my brother or friend to ask questions about what is happening in their life and to LISTEN to their reply (including the "non-verbals" that say so much without sound). It is ASTOUNDING how little true, caring listening goes on in our world. It was said of C.S. Lewis that when you were with him he had a way of making you feel that you were the only person on earth - so carefully and caringly did he listen and respond.

We need to ask ourselves: "When I am in conversations, do I do all the talking? Do I really listen to others? Do I ask questions about THEM? Do I care to hear them or only to be heard? WHOSE WORLD am I focusing on? Am I looking for their needs to be exposed and praying for wisdom to give a BUILDING UP word from the Scriptures to help them?"

Of course, our words have real building up power when they reflect the truth of Scripture. In Acts 20:32, the Apostle Paul spoke of "the word of His grace, which is able to build you up..." The more I know and understand the Word of God, the more I can speak words that truly build others up, whether the SANCTIFICATION of believers or towards the SALVATION of unbelievers.

May God grant us to be more dependently and intentionally communicators of BUILDING UP words for the good of our brothers, and may NO words that cause HEART-ROT come out of our mouths.

10 Basic Guidelines for Biblical Communication -1

James tells us that the tongue is the final frontier of sanctification. That is, "if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body" James 3:2.

The problem we have with our tongue is that it is the direct outlet for our heart. If it is in our hearts, sooner or later in one way or another it will find its way out through our speech. Even though our gracious God has given us new hearts, the reality is that there is what the old theologians called "remaining sin" still resident within us. And there is no place where the remaining sin within shows itself more than in our speech. And so, the Bible tells us to "put off" what remains that is part of our OLD life, the before-Christ life, and "put on" what is characteristic of our NEW risen life with Christ.

And so, in its always "profitable" way (2 Timothy 3:16,17), God's Word gives us guidelines for the taming of the tongue, the changing of our hearts. I will list 10 of these guidelines, beginning with the first one today:

10 Basic Biblical Guidelines for Biblical Communication

1. Speak the truth in love. Ephesians 4:15
It seems the basic problem we have in our speech is either to deceive or to be harsh. We don't want to be seen as we are and we want to be seen as more than we are. We "tweak" the truth so that we can be satisfied we are close enough not to be accused of lying. We hide the truth to disadvantage the other person. Untrue or insincere words are the fig leaves we still wear in our relationships that are evidence there is separation between us. We are afraid of each other. We fear rejection. We fear the judges will give us a mediocre 6.5 for our performance in life. And so we seek to manipulate one another with words that are crafted with evil genius to control the thinking of those around us. "Don't see me as I see me...see me as I WANT you to see me." And in this manipulative thought-shaping we leave the truth far behind and the distance between us intact.

How refreshing and healing, on the other hand is godly communication. Confession of sin. Honest, non-adjusted admitting of wrong. Rebuke when it is needed. Commendation and honoring when it is due. Being who we are before those with whom we live without embellishment.

Only THE TRUTH, the Living Word Jesus and His Written Word the Bible, can set us free to speak truly to one another. This is one of many places where the PRACTICALITY of grace and God's choice of us in Christ can be seen. If indeed we are the BELOVED of God, what have we to fear from one another? If the HOLY GOD knows all our failures and weakness and remaining sin in FULL RELIEF, and STILL cherishes us as children and RECEIVES us as Christ himself, WHY do we need to hide from one another? We don't...but we still do...until and as these truths sink deeper within our souls. Truly the truth of His grace to us in Christ sets us free to be true to one another.

May His love for you set you freer today to speak the truth to those around you.

In Christ: Know It, Live It - 33 (Walking in Good Works)

"...Created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" Ephesians 2:10

God's saving grace does not produce SPECTATORS, but WORKERS. These works are the product and evidence of God's new life within us, the very life of Christ. We DO NOT work our way to life, life works its way THROUGH US. As the Apostle says in another place, "By the grace of God I am what I am" 1 Corinthians 15:10. Paul worked harder than any other apostle, but his hard work, he says, "...was not I, but the grace of God that is with me" 1 Corinthians 15:10.

The Bible's teaching is clear: SAVING GRACE PRODUCES GOOD WORKS. It is not the WORKER who is saved because he works, but the SAVED who WORKS because he is saved. This is why the great BIRTHMARK of our salvation is our OBEDIENCE to Christ, 1 John 5:2.

We do not all work the same works or work with the same energy but we ALL do GOOD WORKS. GOOD describes works which are godly and beneficial to others and glorifying to God. They are works that are not only OUTWARDLY good but are done with a godly INWARD motivation.

These good works are in utter CONTRAST to how we used to live. Remember Ephesians 2:1,2: we were dead in the TRESPASSES and SINS in which we once WALKED. WALKED refers to our lifestyle. Before Christ our lifestyle was all about slavery and service to sin. Now that grace has transformed us, we are to WALK in GOOD WORKS. Our NEW lifestyle is doing the good that God planned for us from eternity.

When I awake in the morning and ask myself, "What should I do today?" One sure answer must be, "Good!" I must do good because of GRACE. I must do good because this is GOD'S PLAN. My day, no matter what it holds, will be FILLED with opportunities to do good to and for others. This might be intercessory prayer, this might be cleaning the house, this might be doing the bills, this might be studying for Sunday School, this might be preparing a meal. But it is important for us to understand these GOOD WORKS in the context of this Ephesians' letter: Chapters 4-6 are all about the good works God has created us for and planned for us in Christ. They include such things as: living in unity with other believers in the body of Christ, being pure, telling the truth, saying only what will build someone up, being kind and forgiving, submitting in humility to others, loving my wife and children, working hard for my employer, etc.

And those kinds of GOOD WORKS can fill a whole life of days.